Last time we spoke about the first horseman, criticism, and how it can hurt a relationship. Click here for a refresher. An important take way from our discussion on Criticism is that it devalues the other person and can make a person feel personally attacked. If Criticism is left to run loose for too long couples start to have Contempt, which happens to be the name of our second Horseman.
Contempt says: “Great! You are sad again. That’s all I need. Another kid to take care of!”
Where criticism is an attack on a person’s value, Contempt communicates blatant disrespect and disdain. Where criticism makes the person the problem, contempt turns them into bad people. Examples include calling a partner names, sneering, rolling one’s eyes, and mocking the other person. I am sure you can see why this is not great for relationships. In fact, of the Four Horseman, Contempt is one of the largest predictors of divorce.
When partners get stuck focusing on the qualities they dislike about their partners and when they build on those negative qualities in their minds, it can become a fertile field for contempt to grow. Rather than blaming the way they interact or the way they regulate emotions, Contempt causes partners to make each other’s character the problem. Because contempt is the result of letting criticism and anger fester, dealing with contempt can be challenging. But, it is not a lost cause!
Just like how focusing and building up the negative qualities of one’s partner can result in contempt, so focusing and building on the positive qualities of one’s spouse can diminish contempt. It often takes a mindful approach. When things in our relationship get bad enough for us to have contempt, it often requires proactively identifying positive traits in our partners.
Another key factor to remove the Horseman of Contempt from your relationship is to practice respect. Just like disdain and disrespect is at the heart of contempt, so respect would diminish contemptuous thoughts and behaviors. This also often requires partners to be proactive and actively change their behavior.
How can I beat the Horseman of Contempt?
Just like with Criticism, try to see behavior by itself. Avoid seeing intention behind it until you know for sure.
Forgive. Carrying hurt with you can fester and lead to Contempt. Forgiveness is a two-way street though. Ideally, you and your partner can work on forgiving and accepting forgiveness together.
Try to see things from your partner’s side. Understand his/her hurt.
It is hard to change contempt if only one partner commits to positive interactions. Both partners must commit to treating each other respectfully.
Have compassion for your partner. Instead of blaming each other try to have patience.
Look for good things. They are there, you just have to commit to looking for them.
Contempt is a festering wound. But just like a real wound, it can heal if treated. Next we will talk about the third Horseman.